Count Your Aggravations: "Things That Make Me Angry" List

I had never really thought of myself as an angry person. I'm the nice guy, the "no problem" guy, or at least the mild-mannered "every man". Yet as I stared at the gray block wall pounding out the sprint portion of my interval run on the treadmill I thought about something that made me angry. Part of me jumped in to say, "you shouldn't be angry about that" and tried to drag the thought away. Yet another part of me dismissed the desire to suppress the thought. Then, like scared children cautiously emerging from the dark, suppressed angry thoughts entered my mind. Soon I was surrounded by many agitated thoughts needing examination.

I made a lunch appointment with myself to explore these thoughts no matter how disturbing they might seem or how bad I might feel for feeling what I felt. On a sheet of paper I began listing things that angered or aggravated me. I didn't list general things that would make me mad (like child molesters or irresponsible government) but personal things for which I was carrying anger even though, until the treadmill, I was not aware of carrying them around.

As I quickly filled both sides of the paper with things that made me angry, I noticed some common themes. Just when I thought I had justification to be angry at people and situations in my life for these caged feelings, I realized I could ultimately only be angry at myself. It wasn't what other people did, it was what I allowed to take place in my life. If I was angry about being a prisoner, then I had to see that I was the jailer and the key to the iron door was in my pocket. I was mad at myself for:

• Things I said "yes" to when I should have said "no."
• Things I said "no" to when I should have said "yes."
• Things I didn't say "yes" to because I was scared, self-conscious, or ignorant
• Things I said "no" to because I was scared, self-conscious, or ignorant
• Consequences from lack of discipline or assertiveness.
• Decisions I made because I put too much trust in the opinions of others, whom I considered "experts", when I was younger

Ironically, I'd read the book Boundaries several years ago on the need to define the borders defining our life and obligations and enforcing those boundaries to prevent others from trespassing within. Either I didn't listen or I didn't feel confident on enforcing my borders. I realized this mus change. Realizing that other people's problems and agendas are theirs and you have no obligation to make them yours is critical. You can empathize but you don't have to take their problems. You can help them carry their burdens but don't take their burdens from them.

Consider the entries from The Notebooks of Lazarus Long by Robert Heinlein:

"So learn to say no - and to be rude about it when necessary. Otherwise you will not have time to carry out your duty, or to do your own work, and certainly no time for love and happiness. The termites will nibble away your life and leave none of it for you...This rule does not mean that you must not do a favor for a friend, or even a stranger. But let the choice be yours. Don’t do it because it is “expected” of you."

Carrying anger is unhealthy and burdensome. I've known bitter people who could not forgive ancient wrongs and slights thought they were only hurting themselves. They could list the sins of others that made them angry and, though their indignation may have been justified, it was useless to carry it around when the offenders moved on with their lives. They embodied the foolishness of such destructive thinking captured in the quote, "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." They fail to see the truth of Ecclesiastes 7:9 that "anger lodges in the heart of fools." Sometimes we are hesitant to forgive because we feel the other person doesn't deserve it or they are getting away with something bad, but we fail to see that in forgiving others we free ourselves!

Reviewing the list brought peace. I knew what I had to change in my life to prevent the "Things that make me angry" list from growing. I released others from blame for things that were my responsibility. I forgave others for what they did (or did not do). I gained understanding about myself and my need to make better decisions and enforce my borders. 

When I'm tempted to direct my anger outward, I remember this wisdom from the late Jack Canfield:

You are the one who ate the junk food.
You are the one who didn't say no!
You are the one who took the job.
You are the one who stayed in the job.
You are the one who chose to believe them.
You are the one who ignored your intuition.
You are the one who abandoned your dream.
You are the one who bought it.
You are the one who didn't take care of it.
You are the one who decided you had to do it alone.
You are the one who trusted him.
You are the one who said yes to the dogs.

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A Sympathy Card to Touch The Soul

A simple act of kindness during someone's time of loss is to send a sympathy card to the family or special friends of the deceased so they will know you are thinking about them. To make it more special to the recipient, include a single positive memory of the deceased or a life lesson you learned from them. It is comforting to know that your loved one had a positive impact on the lives of others.

Don’t talk about how you used to party or get into trouble together as this may not have been positive in the eyes of the grieving. In fact, such behaviors may have led to the death of the deceased. If that is your history with the deceased, recall that the person was a good friend in the good times and in a time of need.

Often these cards are kept by the family and may be read in the future by the children or grandchildren of the deceased. It will be special for them to know the impact of the deceased person in the life of others and give them insight into the life of a person that they may never have known, or not known well.

Adapted from my blog post at Godly Youth

Helping the Deceased's Family With Transition

In addition to the heartbreak created by the sudden loss of a husband or wife, there is also confusion and difficulty as the family readjusts and learns to operate without the loved one. Friends and family can be extremly helpful to the household through this transition.

If the deceased was a parent, the surviving parent might appreciate help with the children while they take care of some of the financial and legal affairs that accompany someone’s death. Months after the death, offer to take the kids to the park or to eat to give the surviving parent some time to rest. Also be available to pick up the kids if they are sick at school or at other times where the parent must remain at work. The transition to a single parent family as well as the loss of a loved one is traumatic and unsettling. Make yourself available to help ease the transition.


If a husband died, help with the chores he performed such as yard work or household repairs until the spouse can get adjusted to the new life pattern and make arrangements for these needs to be met. If the husband took care of auto repairs, house repairs, and other responsibilities and the surviving spouse is not proficient with taking care of these needs, help them find reliable mechanics, home repair services, and basic information on who to call when certain problems occur. Encourage them to call you when they need answers on how to solve problems that arise.


If a wife died, help with chores she performed that may include household chores, laundry, meals, or yard work. As with the loss of the husband, provide advice on how to take care of these needs in the future. Instructions on how to properly handle laundry and basic guidance for cooking and shopping might be needed depending on how the husband and wife divided household chores and the skills they have.

Remember that any service you can provide to the family during this difficult time will help them and encourage them.


Adapted from my blog post at Godly Youth

Record Your Memories of the Deceased Now

We think our memories will be crystal clear forever but scientific studies demonstrate that they blend with other memories and sometimes are distorted or the details forgotten. While the memories of the loved one are fresh, record special times together, the subjects you discussed, private jokes, lessons learned, and your feelings about their absence. This will not only preserve memories that you can revisit often, it will help you come to grips with your loss.


You can record memories in a computer document (Word or Google Docs for example), standard notebook, or choose a nice moleskin book available inexpensively from most bookstores or online.


You can also create a memory book that includes written memories, pictures, mementos, and important dates and events. Marianne Richmond has created a book with poems and comforting thoughts with space for loved ones to record their memories in order to create a keepsake. It is called The Gift of a Memory.


Adapted from my blog post at Godly Youth

Is Facebook the New Graveside?

Facebook has become such an integral part of our relationships with old and current friends. We are so accustomed to exchanging jokes, articles, pictures, and the events of daily life. Though a new phenomena, it seems natural when a Facebook friends dies gather at their page to grieve immediately following the loss. Alicia Eler, in an excellent article A Life Lived Online: How We Talk About Death on Social Media, observed how the Facebook page becomes an ongoing place of comfort:

After a user dies, friends visit the page and express their sadness, shock and grief. Later many return and continue updating and conversing with the user, often times sharing events and feelings as if the person were still alive. It's kind of like talking with a ghost.

The Facebook page becomes a shrine to the deceased. In fact, Facebook has a formal policy where immediate family members can "memorialize" a Facebook account to preserve it and restrict access to friends only (see http://www.facebook.com/help/?page=842). Of course, a family would be wise to back up all of the information possible since Facebook does not have a contractual obligation to preserve the information.

Do you visit sites of deceased loved ones? What do you do that provides comfort? Please leave your observations in the comments.

Why Immediately After A Death is the Worst Time to Plan A Funeral

The worst of all purchasing situations for a buyer is when

1. You must have the product or service and you must decide quickly
2. You have emotional involvement in the purchase
3. Your budget is unclear
4. You have little information upon which to base an informed decision

In these purchasing situations we are likely to spend more than we can afford or fail to get a better deal. In the funeral business, the providers have the stronger bargaining position because they have most of the information and the customer is usually emotionally unbalanced and not thinking clearly.

I don't want to imply that all funeral businesses are unscrupulous. Although some pride themselves on providing a dignified economical service for grieving families, other businesses can manipulate the family into purchasing services or products that or unnecessary or expensive. One does not have the luxury of time to do price comparisons, ask for recommendations, and other skills we use to make wise purchases of homes and cars when a loved one dies.

Tips for Easing Your Loved Ones Burdens

Document your final wishes

Few people want to accept that they or their loved ones will have to make this purchasing decision but we will die. In the absence of direction from the deceased, the family must make decisions on what would honor their loved one that may involve purchases that the deceased would have considered extravagant or unnecessary. Although Grandfather was the kindest man and "nothing but the finest oak coffin with the prettiest handles will do for him," he might have been a practical man who just wanted a simple box coffin "the cheapest you can get."

Some disagreements between loved ones take place as one child wants to honor the deceased but be practical and other siblings want to make purchases to prove to funeral attendees that they were not poor or cheap or to make up for not showing the love for the deceased when they were alive. We should not put our loved ones in a position to argue when they should be pulling together and supporting one another. We must accept our own mortality and for the sake of those we love provide direction on the disposition of our remains. Encourage your parents or grown children to also develop plans as you will certainly be involved in making the decisions for them in the absence of a plan.

Budget for services

If feasible, you may consider paying for the services in advance so the survivors are spared these confusing and anguishing decisions at a time when they are most unprepared to make them. In addition, this saves them from scrambling for money to pay for the services. Be sure to let your loved ones know what has been paid for and where the records can be located upon your departure. Consider giving copies to family members or close friends to keep in case something happens to your records.

You can provide for a future event at today's prices but make sure that the company you purchase from is reputable and the guarantees are reasonable. With the instability in the economy you don't know whether the company will be around when you are no longer around and you don't want to lose your investment.

An alternative would be to put the funds in an interest bearing account to be used to cover the costs of the funeral. You may need to add additional funds periodically to account for the current value of the products and services that you want to use.

Shop around

Since you are going to plan for, and possibly prepay, your final arrangements, shop around for the best deal. If you do not prepay you can outline in your arrangements what providers you prefer and specify products (or types of products) to use. 

Make a Memorial Donation in Honor of the Deceased

Similar to the charitable donation discussed in another post, you can donate money to a general scholarship fund or provide funds for a project in the name of the deceased. Sometimes a college fund is set up on behalf of the dependents of the deceased and donating to that will help accomplish a goal that the loved one had for his or her children.


On a couple of occasions I have donated money to the Florida College library and asked them to purchase materials in honor of the deceased if they were also a supporter of the school. If a school, particularly a small school, was important to the deceased, you might consider honoring them in this way. The organization will usually tell you what was purchased and put a special label in the front of the book with the name of the person you want to honor. Sometimes such organizations have building projects and you can donate to the project in honor of the loved one.


Several friends purchased materials for a church classroom in honor a preacher’s wife who was very active in teaching young people. They sent a note to the preacher and described what was bought and that it was labeled in honor of her memory.


Some colleges and other institutions have a legacy walk or garden where you can buy a brick, purchase a bench, or other feature that will bear the name of the deceased. For example, years ago Walt Disney's Epcot had a "Leave a Legacy" program where you could buy a brick or an engraved plaque for display in the entrance courtyard (this is closed now). Look around at church property, parks, and colleges and you will notice such memorials. For colleges, I would recommend you talk with the alumni or business department. For religious organizations, talk with the staff.


Adapted from my blog post at Godly Youth on 12 Ways to Honor a Deceased Loved One